Easy Toddler Obedience

Written  by GanTV.com host  Amy Hayes 

Ever wonder why it’s so difficult to get a toddler to mind?

Parents spend the bulk of their day just trying to engage the cooperation of their tot.

Could it be possible that we’re going about it the wrong way? What if God has actually given us a way to easily train our children to be obedient.

CHURCH, WE HAVE A PROBLEM!

For the last several decades two out of three children raised in Christian homes walk away from the church as young adults. This means that well-meaning Christian parents sacrifice their time, energy and sometimes even careers to raise children to know and love God, only to have their children walk away. What a waste of time and effort, not to mention our children’s lives!

The church has tried to address this problem by adding programs that appeal to young adults. But the statistic remains, largely unchanged. I believe this is because the problem isn’t Church related. It is a parenting issue.

Teens don’t become rebellious overnight and young adults don’t walk away on a whim. If children experience the unconditional and relentless love of God, why would they walk away? 

Scripture tells us that when we train our children in the way they should go, when they are old they will not depart from it.  Some interpret that to mean they will come back around one day. Does that sound like God’s plan?  I see no example of it in the Scripture.

I think we have accepted that parenting is difficult and that it’s not fun for either parent or child. But when the Lord asked me to address parenting in the church, I discovered a peaceful, powerful, effective blueprint in the Scriptures that requires no pain or punishment on the part of parent or child, AND is extremely effective. I would go so far as to say it’s 100% effective. Doesn’t that sound like our God who always gives us the victory?

AN UNEXPECTED DISCOVERY

As the mother of eight children and 10 grandchildren I’ve had a lot of experience with kids. But when my youngest won was about 20 months old, I experienced something I’d never seen before. 

During an situation where I was trying to engage my son’s cooperation, the Lord walked me through a process of training him to be obedient in one simple interaction that lasted a couple minutes. The results were astonishing! He responded immediately and, with a little reinforcement over the next couple weeks, I never had to deal with disobedience again. In fact to this day he responds to my request without question for the most part.

It wasn’t for many years the implications of this interaction.

A NEW LENS

Up until this time,  I had been trying to train my son what he should do. But in this interaction, I saw a very different perspective.  The secret was in telling my son who he is, not what to do. 

You see we’ve been taught by the church that our children are born sinful or at least motivated by their sin nature. So we interpret their lack of compliance as defiance or disobedience. But what I found in the Scriptures gave a very different picture. For example in Matthew 18:3 Jesus says that little children are fit for heaven. He went on to say that we must become like them in order to enter heaven.

We can only come to one conclusion from this profound statement made by Jesus: Little children are innocent of sin. You cannot be sinful and enter heaven. Jesus would not have held little children up as the model for us to emulate to enter heaven if they were driven by their sin nature.  So then, why is it so difficult to engage a toddler’s cooperation? Is it not because they are bent toward sin? Or is it something else?

A SIMPLE ANSWER

I found a very simple reason from the field of brain development that explains why toddlers do not respond to typical Christian parenting. We have been trying to teach our toddlers through logic and reason. Yet in the toddler stage of development (0-3), a child’s brain has not developed these skills.  

In this stage, they are in a dream-like state – literally.  The only measurable brain waves during this stage are Delta brain waves. These are the same brain waves adults have in a deep sleep. So, as Dr Joe Dispenza says, it’s as if “they are asleep with their eyes open” for the first 3 years of life. They are in an unconscious state of mind, which is why most of us have no conscious memories before age 3. 

What does this mean for parents?  A couple of things.  First of all, trying to reason with your toddler, giving them directives, and expecting them to remember and choose the right behavior are completely unrealistic expectations. This is why parents are so frustrated. We are talking to toddlers as if they are adults, and expecting them to process information like adults. In a nutshell, we are expecting them to operate in cognition they just don’t have. In doing so, we are creating the resistance we are experiencing. 

Secondly, God has a much better plan.

GOD’S PLAN

The solution is actually very simple and profound.  The way God designed the toddler brain is actually in our favor.  You see, in this unconscious state of mind, your toddler is wired only to receive information, not to judge or evaluate it. Think about when you are in a deep sleep. You can receive input, but you are unaware of it. You cannot judge, evaluate or think in this state. 

Scientists call it “highly suggestible”. 

In this state of complete receptivity, your child receives everything as truth.  So anything you suggest is received as fact, without question.  AND it goes directly into his subconscious mind since that is the only “mind” operating at this point in his life. 

This is a huge opportunity for parents!  You, as a parent, have direct access to your toddler’s subconscious mind.  Everything your toddler experiences through his 5 senses during this formative stage of development is imprinted on his subconscious mind and becomes his default mode. 

In addition, babies are not born with an “inner voice”.  They develop an inner voice from the external voices in their life during this stage.  So whatever you say, becomes his truth, his inner compass, guiding and directing his actions, big and small, for the rest of his life. 

Think about your own life.  You probably have some attitudes or patterns of behavior that seem impossible to change, like eating habits, reactions to certain situations, or attitudes about money.  That’s because these were all formed primarily by age 3.  Your view of yourself, other people, the world and even God are mostly determined in these early years. 

GARBAGE IN, GARBAGE OUT

It’s like a computer. Whatever is programmed in, becomes the default operating system. It will produce the same results until something else is programmed in.  The same is true for your toddler, except that once a belief is established, it is very difficult to change it later in life. Some experts even call these early years, “the programming years”.

So what goes into your child’s mind during this phase is extremely important. Parents literally have the ability to script their child’s entire life in these early years, and they do! Either by default or design. 

THE HEART OF THE MATTER

As incredulous as this may sound, the Bible backs this up.  What science calls the subconscious mind, the Bible calls the heart.  Everything science says about the subconscious mind, the Bible says about the heart.  This is important because God is the author of both Science and the Scriptures. If they don’t agree, then we are interpreting one or the other incorrectly.  

Look at these familiar verses:

“Above all else guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”  Prov 4:23 NIV

That is a powerful statement that says everything you do flows from your heart.  Let’s look at these other familiar verses:

“As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” Prov 23:7 NKJV

 “A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things.”  Matt 12:35

For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks. Luke 6:45

These verses point to the heart as the source of our behavior.   Jesus also emphasizes the heart as the source of evil behavior:

“For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders,” 

Mk 7:21 NKJV

We see from these verses that the heart, or the subconscious, is the control center of our lives. So if we want to change behavior, we must address the heart.  But how?

The Bible also says that the heart is like a tablet that can be written on.  (Prov 3:3, 7:3, Jer 17:1,  2Cor 3:3)

And in Mark 4, Jesus likens the heart to soil and words to seeds. In addition, Proverbs 45:1 says our tongue is like a pen. 

A SIMPLE SHIFT: DO or BE

When I trained my son to be obedient around age 2, God walked me through a process where I simply planted words in my son’s heart by speaking to him.  As we have mentioned, toddlers receive everything without question.  So when I told him he was obedient, he received these words as fact – no questions asked. 

You see we’ve been telling our children to obey, instead of telling them they are obedient. It is a subtle shift that makes a huge difference. My son immediately responded when just prior to that, when I was telling what to do, he was completely defiant.  

Why?  Because, once again, a toddler cannot choose behavior, he only reacts to external stimuli. But when I established that he already was obedient, he immediately acted obedient. We’ve been waiting for our children to be something instead of creating it!

FAITH OR FLESH

As simple as this sounds, it is not easy.  It goes against our natural inclination.  Telling your child he’s obedient when he is outwardly defying you is very counterintuitive. One student of mine, who is a pastor, said “it felt awkward”.  So it takes great discipline on the part of the parent to choose to speak what God says about your child, instead of reacting to what you see in the natural. 

You see, parenting by faith means you believe what you hope for before you see it.  So instead of reacting to your child’s behavior, you must see past behavior and speak to their true identity – which is just like Christ. In doing this you will establish what they believe about themselves in their heart which will then determine how they act.  Remember, as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.

BOTTOM LINE

The truth is that your toddler’s true identity is obedient. I know this defies everything you’ve heard in church about children.  However, we were all created in God’s image and God is not disobedient.  We actually teach our children that they are disobedient every time we show disapproval for their behavior. So Instead of reacting to behavior, we can create behavior by programming their heart with their true identity and they will automatically act like who they really are.

So if you want your child to be obedient, plant the belief in his heart (subconscious mind) that he is obedient.  The rest will happen automatically!

For more information on effective, Biblical parenting, watch Graceful Parenting on GAN TV.